Awareness

So often I just read through the bible and forget that these are the stories, prayers, lamentations and praises of actual people.

Moses. King David. The apostle Paul. Men that God chose to share the story of who He is with the world.

But they were still just that… men. They experienced the same emotions all human beings are prone to feel no matter when we existed in time and space – fear, hope, love, loss, doubt, joy.

This week we were challenged to read a Psalm and rewrite it from our perspective; putting ourselves in the writer’s shoes. Hopefully making it more real to us by trying to relate with what they were feeling and experiencing as they expressed these words.

So, here’s my interpretation of Psalm 26:

God, please save me from this… for I have done the things You suggested/commanded. I don’t sin. I trust You without fail. I’m always aware of Your love. I’m fully dependent on You. But, perhaps You should test me and see if this is actually true. Examine my heart and mind and show me what You find.

Do You need to hear more? Okay, cool. I’ve removed myself from living amongst those driven by their evil desires. I don’t even talk to them anymore. They would no doubt tear me apart. And even though it’s hard… I chose You.

I love You, Lord. I love where You live and dwell. And I know that Your spirit lives in me. Therefore help me love myself. Don’t allow my soul to descend into the depths of despair, beyond repair. Restore me, Father.

Regardless of my feelings, my feet still stand on level ground and I will praise you through it all.

This exercise was really helpful in many ways. It showed me how I actually viewed God in my life currently. Like I have to “plead my case” with the Lord to earn favor. That by listing all of the things I was doing “right” (either consciously or unconsciously) I would be able to bargain some sort of liberation from my current afflictions.

It also showed me where our relationship isn’t where it could be. That, if I’m honest, I can’t always feel all of these emotions and then say, “but You’re still good!” Because life doesn’t always feel good.

At first these realizations of where I’m at were a bit discouraging. Even crippling. But with revelation comes hope for change.

I now have to opportunity to continue this journey of a relationship with God that’s grounded in the truth of who He is and not in what I do or how I feel.

Self-awareness is powerful. We can accept the invitation it offers to step into something different, or we can allow it to paralyze us.

But it’s always our choice.